Some good news for the economy. President Bush went on a month-long vacation." —Jay Leno

"The federal government announced today that the recession ended back in November of 2001. It ended two years ago! Be sure to pass that on to all your unemployed friends. So you know what that means? The past twenty months of job layoffs, corporate bankruptcies and declining stocks, those were the good times. We should have been living it up." —Jay Leno

"Yesterday Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said he would be willing to serve another term. Greenspan said, 'Where else would I get a job in this economy?'" —Conan O'Brien

"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'" —Craig Kilborn

"I'm watching TV today and it's nothing but 'We're going to war. Imminent war. Blah, blah blah.' But I'm watching the TV and I see that the stock market has gone up 300 points! How is that possible? The economy has been in the pooper for a year and a half. 'Oh, maybe we'll try lowering interest rates, maybe we'll try lowering prices, maybe we'll give a dividend tax cut'. This is what they've been waiting for? 'Oh, we're going to war? I'm in!' Is the head of the Dow Jones Yosemite Sam?" —Jon Stewart

"President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus plan this week. It was reported that if the plan passes, the president himself would save $44,000 in taxes, Dick Cheney would save $327,000, and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King to pick up job applications." —Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"President Bush's economic plan will create 2.5 million new jobs. The bad news, they are all for Iraqi soldiers." —Craig Kilborn

"According to a new study, bad economic times can actually be good for you because people tend to exercise more and eat better. This is not a recession, this is the Bush Health Care Plan." —Jay Leno

"The big story here tonight comes from Washington, D.C. where President Bush announced his new economic plans. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividends tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this." —Jon Stewart

"Did you hear about this today, Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill and top economic advisor Larry Lindsey have resigned, they resigned from the White House economic team? Shocked everybody in Washington, who knew Bush had a White House economic team? ... You know things are bad when Republicans are losing jobs in Washington." —Jay Leno

"Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neal has resigned. He didn't want to resign, but there wasn't any money left in the treasury so he's got nothing to do." —Jay Leno

"Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn't work, North Korea has to go." —Jon Stewart

"Al Gore says President Bush's economic plan has zero chance of working. Now, this raises on important question: Bush has an economic plan?" —David Letterman

"The FBI has issued a new terrorist warning that al Qadea may be planning a spectacular attack intended to damage our economy. Well I have news for them, they are a little too late. This is where President Bush is smart. Two years ago he did a pre-emptive strike to make sure our economy couldn't be any worse than it is right now." —Jay Leno

"The Stock Market was down today. Two major businesses declared bankruptcy, consumer spending is at an all time low — in other words, Bush is back on the job." —Jay Leno

"President Bush hosted something called the President's Economic Forum down in Waco, Texas today. Waco. Apparently Jonestown and Guyana were booked up. When I think of government policy that works, Waco is the place to go. He invited members of small business to the summit. He was going to invite big business, but they're all in jail." —Jay Leno

"Bush told the attendees (at his economic forum) that he wants to simplify the numbers on Wall Street so that people can understand what they are looking at. Simplify the numbers? We are already looking at single digits!" —Jay Leno

"In a speech yesterday in Milwaukee, President Bush vowed to do whatever it takes to keep the economy strong. In fact he said that if he needs to, he will take vacation for another three months." —Jay Leno

"There's now speculation in Washington that President Bush is now planning to increase the economic sanctions on Iraq. And let me tell you if they are half as tough as the economic sanctions Bush has imposed on this country, they are screwed." —Jay Leno

"President Bush is leaving the White House for a vacation. He's taking a month off. Yeah, take a break, you deserve it. But aides say that while on vacation, Bush will continue to make two or three speeches a week to make sure that the market keeps crashing." —Jay Leno

"Boy, another bad day on Wall Street. Things are getting ugly. Dow Jones is starting to look more like Paula Jones." —Jay Leno

"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are now? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street." —Jay Leno

"The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market." —Jay Leno

"Things do not look good. The economy's gone south, we're at war, people are out of work. In fact, George Bush Sr. picked up the newspaper and thought, 'Hey, I must still be president.'" —Jay Leno

"The economy is in big trouble. Yesterday in a big speech, President Bush said the economy was still getting over the hangover from the 90's. And then, the president admitted he was still getting over his hangover from the 80's." —Conan O'Brien