It was so hot in Palm Springs the Betty Ford Center said, "Screw it, open the bar. Drinks for everybody"

It was so hot today Floyd Landis tested positive for Snapple.  
It was so hot my cab driver was wearing an oscillating turban.  
It was so hot at "The View" that their new cast member is Ted Williams.  
It was so hot out that North Korea test launched a long range Popsicle.  
It was so hot today I saw a funeral procession pull into a Dairy Queen.  
It was so hot today I saw an Amish guy buying an air conditioner.  
It was so hot Bill Clinton got a slurpee and then went to 7/11.

 
Birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

Potatoes cook underground, so just pull one out and add

butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them

from laying hard-boiled eggs.

Cows are giving evaporated milk.

Trees are whistling for dogs.

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

You can say 113 degrees without fainting.

You eat hot peppers to cool your mouth off.

You can make instant sun tea.

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

When the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot

water in the toilet bowl.

You discover that it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of

distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked

out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

A sad Arizonan prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much

for me, cuz I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old."  
 

Hot? I saw a bunch of winos passing around a Dilly Bar!

Everywhere you look there is sunshine and warmth. It's like living in the french fry bin at McDonalds.

It was so hot in Virginia, Cavaliers fans took the bags off their heads.