THE ELIOT SPITZER JOKE PAGE
100 Eliot Spitzer Jokes
"Last night, what a horrible
audience. It's not so much that they were horrible. They
were just quiet. My God, it was like dinner at the Spitzers."
--David Letterman
"I guess you heard the big news. Governor Eliot Spitzer,
governor of New York, resigned today. He left his
resignation on the night table with a $300 tip." --David
Letterman"He waited about the
resignation and finally he had to. He couldn't get a pardon
from Oprah, so he's gone." --David Letterman
"Four out of five New Yorkers wanted him to go. Four out of
five New Yorkers said, no, get him out of here. Myself and
the writers, we, of course, wanted him to stay." --David
Letterman
"Maybe you can tell a very somber mood here in New York
City. Am I right about that? As a matter of fact, even the
hookers in Times Square were wearing the black armbands."
--David Letterman
"But here's the deal, now Spitzer will have to pay women to
call him governor." --David Letterman
"Eliot Spitzer was a Hillary Clinton superdelegate. ...
Also, Spitzer was on Hillary Clinton's vice president list,
possible running mate. Boy, she can pick 'em, can't she?"
--David Letterman
"Now, here's the deal about the tryst down there in a
Washington, DC, hotel -- $5,000 and a hotel room. Five grand
and a hotel room. And Senator Larry Craig -- you remember
Larry from Idaho? He said, 'Well, that's crazy. For two
quarters, I can have a pay toilet all night.'" --David
Letterman
"Earlier today, the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer,
has resigned. In his resignation speech, Spitzer said, 'To
whom much has been given, much is expected.' Which is the
same thing he said to that $5,000 hooker." --Jay Leno
"It's interesting. Although Spitzer only spoke for 2 minutes
and 40 seconds, he still had to pay for the entire hour."
--Jay Leno
"It's interesting, now that he's not governor, how people
treat you differently when you're no longer powerful. Like
today, he went from Client #9 to Client #3,252." --Jay Leno
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Now they are saying he may have spent $80,000 on prostitutes over the last ten
years. Is that a lot? I mean if you do the math, that's only $22 a day. I spend
that on Direct TV." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Today he held another press conference he said he needed to leave to begin the
difficult process of healing. Not emotionally -- his wife hit him in the face
with a George Foreman Grill." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The New York Times today found Spitzer's hooker. She went by the name of
Kristen, but her real name is Ashley Alexandra Dupre. I think this is from her
MySpace page [on screen: picture of Dupre]. If I were him, at the press
conference I would have held up her picture and said, 'Look, what are you
supposed to do?'" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Some of the more sordid details are starting to emerge, supposedly, Spitzer
didn't like to wear a condom which I'm sure was just the cherry on top of his
wife's cake." --Jimmy Kimmel
"On Monday, the lieutenant governor will take over. His name is David Patterson.
He's African-American and legally blind. He'll be the first blind governor in
the United States. He's already announced that his top legislative priority will
be the death penalty for people who don't clean up after their dogs." --Jimmy
Kimmel
"Let's get to the real story [on screen: a news anchor saying, 'New York
Governor
Eliot Spitzer is expected to resign']. The answer, a day and a half. The
question, what is the amount of extra time you get to stay in power after the
revelation of a sex scandal if you are a non-gay governor?" --Jon Stewart
"And so Eliot Spitzer headed to his midtown office to make the announcement
while receiving what the networks now refer to as the full O.J. [on screen:
video of Spitzer's car driving through Manhattan]. As you can see, the trip gave
commentators ample time for analysis [on screen: a montage of news anchors
commenting on the traffic in Manhattan]. So interesting to hear about. By the
way, it's not really for me to judge, but if you are in the car with your wife
on the way to resign from the state's highest office after facing prostitution
allegations, I'd run that light. Shorten what I imagine would be a fairly
awkward car ride. What's a ticket compared to what's been going on? $200 extra.
I've heard that some prostitutes spend more than that on room service." --Jon
Stewart
"Let's hear him out [on screen: Spitzer saying, 'To whom much is given, much
is expected']. Which is why I gave over $80,000 to hookers. I expected a lot
from them. And then, of course, the big news [on screen: Spitzer saying, 'At
Lieutenant Governor Paterson's request, the resignation will be effective
Monday, March 17, a date that he believes will permit an orderly transition'].
Really, the day you've chosen for the orderly transition is St. Patrick's Day.
Do you think that's a good idea? Really? I'm beginning to wonder about this
guy's judgment." --Jon Stewart
"It's so sunny and bright
outside that earlier today, Eliot Spitzer came out of a
brothel squinting." --David Letterman
"I guess everybody knows about this by now. New York
Governor Eliot Spitzer caught with a high-priced call girl.
Ladies and gentlemen, there, but for a declined Mastercard,
go 'I.' 'I'm sorry, Mr. Letterman. It won't go through.'"
--David Letterman"Spitzer was told
about the evidence against him on Friday. On Friday, last
Friday. How about that? I'm thinking, 'Wow, somebody had a
worse weekend than I did.'" --David Letterman
"He went through this call girl thing. ... He was known as a
regular customer. He was known as Client 9. It looks now
like Client 9 will soon be looking for wife number 2."
--David Letterman
"You know, I'm a half-full kind of guy. I always try to put
a positive spin on stuff. Sure, it's a horrible story. On
the other hand, you look at it this way, he was supporting
New York's number one industry." --David Letterman
"I don't know about you, but when I heard about this scandal
here's the first thing I thought. I said, 'Woah, there's
another success for eHarmony.com.'" --David Letterman
"They're talking about impeaching Eliot Spitzer if he
doesn't step down. And I'm thinking, 'Whoa, a Democrat being
impeached for extramarital sex. Happy days are here again.'"
--David Letterman
"Here's one that is kind of cute. He would get the hookers,
the call girls, the prostitutes, the whores, and he would
run them down, put them on the train, Amtrak. Like they need
more publicity. And he'd run them down to Washington, DC,
and they'd check into a beautiful suite and have the
rendezvous at a place called the Mayflower Hotel. Now that's
the difference between a Democratic and a Republican sex
scandal. The Republicans have their rendezvous at an airport
men's room" --David Letterman
"Do you know what the highest paid government position
in this country is? Anybody know? ... It is working under
New York Governor
Eliot Spitzer. It pays like $5,000 an hour." --Jay Leno
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As I'm sure you know by now, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has admitted
that he was involved in a prostitution ring. Now this is the same man who when
he was attorney general went after the prostitution ring. So apparently, it was
for not giving him good service." --Jay Leno
"This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to a governor, I guess, since
Arnold Schwarzenegger did 'Kindergarten Cop.'" --Jay Leno
"The really ironic thing about this case -- today, the hooker said Spitzer was
done in a New York minute." --Jay Leno
"Well, you know something, this shows you how the whole world is backwards. I
mean, you got Democrats. Now, they're supposed to be poor, right? Don't
Democrats traditionally represent the poor people? They're paying $5,000 an hour
for sex. You got the Republicans. They're supposed to be rich, right? They're
cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free. What's going on?" --Jay
Leno
"Do you ever notice politics is the only profession when a guy gets caught with
a hooker, the wife has to stand by his side. You know, if this guy was a plumber
and he got caught with a prostitute, he'd have his wife's SUV tire tracks over
his head." --Jay Leno
Everybody right now is discussing our New York Governor. And I have to say,
we're proud to be mentioned." --Conan O'Brien
"The New York Times reported that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was a
customer of a high-end prostitution ring, that the prostitutes knew him as
Client #9. Client #9, yeah. Not surprisingly, clients one through eight were
Charlie Sheen." --Conan O'Brien
"It's getting serious, though. Republicans in New York have given Governor
Spitzer an ultimatum. That if he doesn't resign, they'll push for impeachment.
Governor Spitzer responded by saying, 'How about you just spank me, we'll call
it even?'" --Conan O'Brien
"But a lot of rumors about what is going to happen. If Governor Spitzer does
resign over his prostitution scandal, it's been reported that he will go into
private practice as a lawyer. That's what he's going to do. Yeah. When asked why
he wants to practice law again, Spitzer said, 'I like businesses where you
charge by the hour and screw your clients.'" --Conan O'Brien
It hasn't been a great week for Governor Eliot Spitzer. This is a guy who built
a career crusading against corruption. He got caught on an FBI wiretap arranging
for a $1,000-an-hour prostitute. Spitzer is named as 'Client #9.' Allegedly,
Client #9 wired money to something called the Emperor's Club, which is an online
service that provides high-end hookers to upscale gentlemen like my Uncle Frank.
Client #9 deposited $4,300 into his account and then he had a two-hour interlude
with a prostitute name 'Kristen.' Which I think means he has two thousand
dollars of credit left over. That'll come in handy -- with all the stress, he's
gonna need to blow off some steam." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Spitzer held a press conference yesterday, where he apologized to his
constituents and to his family. He didn't take questions. He went right home,
where his wife repeatedly kicked him in the testicles." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Actually, she stood right next to him in the press conference. That is always
amazing to me, how these guys get their wives to stand there and support them.
... I don't know what kind of zombie chow they put in these women's food, but
it's mind-boggling. ... I don't want to rub it in to any of you visiting from
New York, but here in California, our governor doesn't have to pay for sex. When
he wants it, he takes it." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York has been linked to a prostitution ring.
Wow. What a day for the media. Here they thought yesterday would just be another
day spent feigning interest in the concerns of regional voters." --Jon Stewart
"The feds caught the governor when they became suspicious of some irregular
money wire transfers that the governor had made. And then they tapped his phones
and monitored his text messages. Basically they thought this was a bribery case
and it wasn't. If only someone experienced in law enforcement could have given
Eliot Spitzer better advice [on screen: Spitzer saying, 'Never talk when you can
nod, never nod when you can wink and never write it in e-mail because it's
death. You're giving prosecutors all the evidence we need']. In Spitzer's
defense, he probably forgot he said that because it's hard to concentrate when
you are getting a $2,000 [bleep]job." --Jon Stewart
"And so ensnared in a trap he so shrewdly told others how to avoid, it was time
for Governor Spitzer to join the shame parade, to follow in the footsteps of the
faithless -- New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, Idaho Senator Larry Craig,
Louisiana Senator David Vitter, President Clinton, even Gary Hart a quarter
century ago -- all contrite, all following the simple rule of public
humiliation, bring a date [on screen: Spitzer appearing at his presser with wife
Silda Wall Spitzer and saying, 'I will briefly address a private matter. I acted
in a way that violated my obligations to my family']. Right, honey? Right?
Remember how you were telling me about that, me violating the trust of family?
Isn't that what you were telling me between sobs and punches?" --Jon Stewart
"I haven't been on the show for a while, but for some reason when this scandal
about hookers broke, I looked out the window and there was a helicopter waiting
to take me to the studio. It is good to have a specialty. Turns out I was more
needed than I thought. This scandal is raising all sorts of questions. [on
screen: news anchors asking, 'How would a guy like Governor Spitzer actually do
it? Does he pay in cash? Does his real name appear somewhere? How do the check
get written? We're talking about $5,000. How do you develop a credit with the
prostitution ring is another aspect of the story I don't quite understand'].
Please, like you don't know. Guys pay women for sex? No! Okay, let me try and
explain this. When a man loves a woman for very much, they share a very special
kind of transaction. Maybe I'm going too fast. Let me break this down. First
off, cost. Spitzer paid $4300 for two hours with a hooker. I know that sounds
pricey. I mean for that much money, you could buy a used Honda and [bleep] it.
But the service the governor used was extra fancy. For God sake, it's called the
Emperor's Club. You want discounts, go to Sam's Emperor Club. They sell in bulk.
In one trip, you can get a 20 gallon pack of mayonnaise and a six pack of
hookers." --Lewis Black
"Obviously the big story today is still Governor Eliot Spitzer's involvement
with a prostitution ring. ... We're not going to be talking about it on this
show. The man said he was sorry and I believe him. He is obviously sorry. ... I
would like to thank the governor on behalf of husbands everywhere. It's not
often that you walk in the door and say, 'Honey, I'm home and I didn't go to a
prostitute,' and that gets you a hug. Guys, from now on it doesn't matter how
many birthdays, anniversaries or children's names you forget, as long as you
don't go to prostitutes, you're doing pretty good. And to capitalize on that
sentiment, I've created a new line of Spitzer-inspired greeting cards sure to
get you out of just about any jam. First up, 'Happy Belated Birthday! I don't go
to prostitutes.' 'Happy Flag Day! I didn't pay a woman to have sex on a flag.'
Finally, 'Okay, I do go to prostitutes, but I won't ask you to stand next to me
while I admit it.'" --Stephen Colbert
I've been thinking about
something, do you think it's too soon to be hitting on Mrs.
Eliot Spitzer?" --David Letterman
"The big, the new scandal breaking here in New York, Eliot
Spitzer apparently involved in some kind of prostitution
activities -- you know what that means?: Hookers. And right
now, Spitzer is huddling with his advisers to develop a
drinking problem." --David Letterman
"Did you happen to see the press conference,
very dramatic. Eliot Spitzer was there, he had yellow crime
scene tape draped around his pants, it was crazy." --David
Letterman
"Here's what happened, it was one of those sting deals. And
they caught Eliot Spitzer, Gov. Spitzer, with a wire,
recording him soliciting a prostitute. And I'm thinking,
'Holy cow, we can't get Bin Laden, but we got Spitzer. We
got Sptizer.'" --David Letterman
"But here's the lesson, ladies and gentlemen, this is why I
always wear a fake mustache and pay cash." --David Letterman
"The thinking is the governor may step down now to spend
less time with his family. The good thing is, he was caught
soliciting a hooker, but on the bright side, it did not
involve an airport men's room." --David Letterman
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Friend of the show and Emperor's Club lifetime member, Eliot Spitzer,
resigned as governor of New York. ... It was such a big story that the media
followed the governor's SUV through traffic for over 20 minutes in the hope that
he would stop and pick up a prostitute. Jimmy, can we get a close-up on his
bumper sticker? [on screen: bumper sticker reading, 'My Other Ride Is A
Hooker']. ... You do not want to see what he's got in his mud flaps. ... But
Spitzer's resignation was short and moving [on screen: Spitzer saying, 'The
remorse I feel will always be with me']. And on future business trips, so will
Mrs. Spitzer" --Stephen Colbert
The new governor of New York will be a man named David Paterson, who is
legally blind. Yeah, he is. He is legally blind. The way it will work with him
is, you see, he'll just have the woman talk dirty to him over the phone." --Jay
Leno
"He will be the first visually impaired governor in the history of the United
States. See, a lot of people thought Bill Clinton was the first blind governor,
because he hit on Paula Jones." --Jay Leno
"Well, more and more details are coming out about this incident, which has
fascinated people. It seems the governor was caught on a federal wiretap making
arrangements to meet with this prostitute. See, that's why the Democrats are
against Bush's eavesdropping policy. You see? Bush is not only catching
terrorists, he's catching Democrats, too." --Jay Leno
"No, the FBI said they became suspicious after tracking what they call
'questionable transfers of money' from Spitzer's account. See, at first they
thought he was hiding bribe money. And then they realized it's highly unlikely
that the governor would be bribed by a woman named Cindy Candypants." --Jay Leno
"Our governor, Eliot Spitzer, resigned today. ... And to make things official,
Governor Spitzer had to write a letter of resignation to New York's secretary of
state. He wrote a letter. Yeah. Out of habit, Spitzer addressed the letter 'Dear
Penthouse.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Spitzer's resignation is bad news for Hillary Clinton. Did you know this? It's
not good for Hillary Clinton, because Eliot Spitzer is resigning as governor of
New York. That means Hillary Clinton has lost another superdelegate. It's true.
On the bright side, Bill Clinton has gained a super wingman." --Conan O'Brien
"Spitzer's going be out of office, he's going to be looking for a job, and I'm
thinking, 'Whoa, isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place?'"
--David Letterman
"What the Spitzers are saying now is they need some time alone. Eliot and his
wife need some time alone now. And I thought this was very nice, Senator Larry
Craig from Idaho, when he heard this, he offered his vacation restroom on the
lake." --David Letterman
Don't kid yourself, ladies and gentlemen, this is serious. We're having a lot
fun here now, but it's really serious. Eliot Spitzer could go to jail, he could
go to prison, think about that. The former governor of New York could go to
prison, he could be in prison. And, well, that'll be sex he won't have to pay
for." --David Letterman
Here's some great news, today they found the source of all global warming in
America -- New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer's pants." --Jay Leno
"Maybe some of you don't know the story, today Eliot Spitzer admitted publicly
that he was involved in a prostitution ring, which means Hillary Clinton, now,
only the second angriest wife in the state of New York." --Jay Leno
"This is the guy who vowed to clean up New York. But to be fair, he did bring
prostitution to its knees one girl at a time." --Jay Leno
"So you gotta be fair. It's not good, some of these girls charged the governor
up to $5,000 an hour. And when he heard that, today Sen. Larry Craig said, 'I
would've done the guy for free -- This is more government waste. We can take
care of these problems internally.'" --Jay Leno
"According to the FBI wiretap, they had the transcript, Gov. Spitzer was listed
as Client No.9. No. 9? He's the governor, who were the eight guys in front of
him? You'd think as governor, you'd at least get to go first." --Jay Leno
"The New York Times says that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is linked
to a prostitution ring. ... Gov. Spitzer, this is the latest, responded, just a
few hours ago. He said, quote, 'I violated my obligations to my family and I
violated my sense of what is right and wrong.' ... Spitzer also admitted
violating someone named Amber." --Conan O'Brien
The big news today that we need to discuss, the identity of Governor Eliot
Spitzer's prostitute ... has been revealed. The prostitute that Eliot Spitzer
had his affair with is apparently a young woman from New Jersey. When asked why
she slept with New York's ex-governor, she said, 'Because New Jersey's
ex-governor is into guys.'" --Conan O'Brien
"It turns out the call girl linked to Eliot Spitzer is also, this is true, an
R B singer, and she said in an interview that her latest song was inspired by a
guy. Yeah. She didn't say which guy, but the song is called, 'Bald Creepy
Governor.' It's a good song." --Conan O'Brien
"She did an interview, in an interview the call girl linked to Spitzer said
that she doesn't want to be thought of as a monster. Does not want to be thought
of as a monster, she said unless of course somebody has $4,000 and is into role
playing." --Conan O'Brien
The New York Times was able to find Kristen, the 22-year-old prostitute
who Spitzer allegedly paid $1,000 an hour. Her real name is Ashley Dupre. ...
Her MySpace page says her first love is music, she wants to be a singer, and
then her second love is having sex with governors for money." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Here's what's going to happen with her. She's going to pose naked for
Playboy, she'll do a season of 'Celebrity Apprentice,' maybe a 'Surreal Life,'
then she'll top it off by having a baby with Pauly Shore." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Eliot Spitzer is set to leave office on Monday, which means hooker party at the
Governor's Mansion this weekend." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Lieutenant Governor David Paterson will be sworn in as his replacement.
.Paterson says his top priority is fiscal responsibility. He wants to cut back
on government spending. Especially on whores." --Jimmy Kimmel
"New York Post, I call
dibs on 'Eliot Mess.' ... Huge news today. ... New York Gov.
Eliot Spitzer has admitted involvement with a prostitution
ring. ... I just hope the press deals with this tastefully
(On screen: Picture of Spitzer, Headline: WHORES!)"
--Stephen Colbert
"The governor was supposed to give a press conference today
at 2:15 pm but a whole hour passed before he spoke. To be
fair, it is Daylight Savings time, and the governor usually
has a prostitute change his clocks."
"I want to make one thing perfectly clear, okay folks, Gov.
Spitzer is a friend of the show. That never changes. I've
sat next to the guy three times and I didn't pick up on any
of this, and I usually have excellent Whore-dar." --Stephen
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"Now this scandal affects a lot of people, it even affects Hillary Clinton,
apparently. Political experts are saying that before Eliot Spitzer's scandal,
Hillary Clinton had considered him as a possible running mate. Yeah. Yeah, now
Hillary's considering Spitzer as a possible husband." --Conan O'Brien
"It's sad, Spitzer said there's so much left undone -- Amber, Ashley,
Rhonda." --David Letterman
''"More details are starting to
come out about the $5,000 prostitute. Her name's Ashley Alexandra Dupre. She's a
22-year-old aspiring musician. I believe she is classically trained on the
flute." --Jay Leno
"So, you have this triangle, the governor, his wife and this hooker. Or, as
they're calling themselves, You, Me and Dupre." --Jay Leno
The name of this prostitute service is The Emperor's Club, sounds better than
Whore House, doesn't it? ... On the website, they rank the girls from one to
seven diamonds. The diamonds represent how many you have to buy for your wife
after you get caught." --Jay Leno
"You know how the governor got caught? Through wiretaps. You see, Democrats get
caught in sex scandals through wiretapping. Republicans get caught in sex
scandals through foot tapping." --Jay Leno
Well, they said Eliot Spitzer may have spent as much as $80,000 on prostitutes.
$80,000, wait a minute, think about it, with the stock market going down, real
estate markets crashing, he got a better return than most guys on his money,
didn't he? Who's getting that kind of bang for their buck?" --Jay Leno
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